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POSTED 1 hour ago WITH 0 notes · reblog


fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
FULL naked.
REAL naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:

“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”

And inquiries such as:

“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”

Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

(via adeledazeeb)




how to kiss 

kinkydonuts:


[step 1]
open your mouth as wide as possible. make sure to stick out your tongue as far as you can, too, since kisses are like, 90% that thing

image

[step 2] find someone to kiss. you will know they want to kiss because their tongue will also be extended at full length

image

[step 3] move in for the kill

image

image

(Source: conversationparade, via the-absolute-funniest-posts)




conniecann:

Last words of unarmed black youth gunned down by law enforcement. 

"There are reasons why white gun’s rights activists can walk into a Chipotle restaurant with assault rifles and be seen as gauche nuisances while unarmed black men are killed for reaching for their wallets or cell phones, or carrying children’s toys. Guns aren’t for black people, either.”

from America is Not For Black People

if you live your whole life and then die without making a purposeful choice to become a white ally then American racism becomes your legacy.

from Becoming a White Ally to Black People in the Aftermath of the Michael Brown Murder

(via adeledazeeb)




(Source: vanstyles, via mcfly94)




lemmming:

it was a 2 second video

I had to click it

I had to know what could possibly happen in two short seconds

(Source: ajaxafterdark, via meeps114)




drakemoji:

cliterallysame:

this is my favorite video on this website

god

(Source: im-a-walking-paradox, via k1mkardashian)




photographersdirectory:

My name is Dario i am 25 years old. I live in Zagreb, Croatia.
A few years ago I started shooting with my iPhone and recently i bought my first DSLR. (Canon 600D/T3i.)
I’ve always been passionate about photography, maybe even before I realized it..like most amateur photographers I love and shoot all types of photography.
My Tumblr is full of black & white photography, street art, abandoned places, people, street photography, graffiti, nature, rooftops etc. tumblr.facebook page.instagram.

photographersdirectory:

My name is Dario i am 25 years old. I live in Zagreb, Croatia.

A few years ago I started shooting with my iPhone and recently i bought my first DSLR. (Canon 600D/T3i.)

I’ve always been passionate about photography, maybe even before I realized it..like most amateur photographers I love and shoot all types of photography.

My Tumblr is full of black & white photography, street art, abandoned places, people, street photography, graffiti, nature, rooftops etc. 

tumblr.
facebook page.
instagram.




fagsindubai:

qualities i look for in a man

fagsindubai:

qualities i look for in a man

(Source: , via sniffing)




(Source: kryptojuice, via punkgoesbridget)




fuckablogname:

THINGS WE WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN! 

(follow fuckablogname.tumblr.com for a follow back)

(via cuterthansocksonarooster)




Both My Parents Were Surgeons And I Used To Talk To Furniture 

pribunny:

sixpenceee:

Another great reddit no sleep story. 

This one will really shock you.

by reddit user invictus1988

Read More

JESUS BLOODY CHRIST

HOLY SHIT

(via sixpenceee)




squarizona:

my brother found this old menu board at a thrift store and hung it up in his apartment looking like this

squarizona:

my brother found this old menu board at a thrift store and hung it up in his apartment looking like this

(via calliopemusai)




livingina-hidingplace:

faineemae:

"You plagiarized a sentence in an essay? Expelled & we’ll make it hard for you to enroll into another school ever again."

"You raped and assaulted a student on campus? You can come back to school."

fuck the education system

I will never NOT reblog this.

(via calliopemusai)




pois0nsi0ux:


becausebirds:

LET THERE BE BONES!

This actually made me smile

pois0nsi0ux:

becausebirds:

LET THERE BE BONES!

This actually made me smile

(via snoopdogvevo)